This is a difficult one for all of us. Our world is just not designed in a way that promotes intergenerational relationships and it feels AWKWARD.
Starting in babyhood, age is a key factor in determining who we will spend time around and build relationships with. We start at baby groups and then playcentres and then kindy and then we graduate to school where we move up through the grades with children our own age. The first place most of us find ourselves regularly interacting with people of a different generation is when we are adults the workplace and, I know I for one, did not know what to do with the 60-something-year-old ladies in my team at my first “grown up job”. I am embarrassed to say that I was both intimidated and arrogant at the same time. At first I felt like they were always looking down on me and judging me (they weren’t). I was scared to ask them for help in case their (imagined) bias against me was confirmed. I was also both impressed and frustrated by their use of shorthand. I was frustrated because I couldn’t read it, and it was so old-fashioned anyway; shouldn’t they catch up with modern times? I was convinced that, given the opportunity, I could do everything faster and better and friendlier.
UGH. I am cringing as I am writing this.
But I think many of us have had similar experiences. I did eventually get over myself and grow in my respect for these ladies, ask for their help and build friendships, but it took a long time and a lot of grace on their part.
When I left that job we moved to Scotland, where we had no family, and proactively sought to build a village of support for ourselves. We joined a local church, which at the time had about 50 people. Worship was a guy with a guitar, and his wife at the front, singing their hearts out. It was not what I was used to, but it felt like home. That small church was filled with people of all ages, from babies up to people in their 80s and everything in between.
This church was a pre-prepared family, and we flourished there.
We had the opportunity to build so many rich intergenerational relationships. The teenagers reaquainted us with the complexities and uncertainties of teenagehood, and with the way the world was rapidly changing, even in the few years since we had been teenagers ourselves. Friends in their 40s welcomed us into their homes and families. Some showed us a beautiful picture of the good life, where their family was full of joy, and there was so much wisdom to be gained from the way they raised their children and related to each other. Others showed us what it looks like to trust God when life had not gone according to their plan, and to find joy despite disappointment. The people our parents’ age, whose own children had grown up and moved away, took us under their wing, offering advice and prayer and meals when our own parents felt so far away. Friends in their 70s and 80s shared their many stories and the wisdom that only comes with experience. Some of them seemed so close to God, through years of yieldedness to His plan and confidence in His faithfulness. Their worship was untainted by self-consciousness and their prayer was offered with both familiarity and reverence. They let us ask questions about old age and how we relate to death. They were really special friendships and when we had our first baby they all adopted Eliyah as one of their own and supported us as a fresh family unit.
We also had the privilege of making friends with our neighbours across the street, who didn’t yet have any grandchildren of their own, and often invited us for coffee and gave the kids gifts and blew bubbles and chased them around garden.
After some very sad goodbyes, we moved back to New Zealand, and we found ourselves again in unfamiliar territory.
We moved in next door to my parents and sought to build a village of support around us – this time with two small children and a pandemic to contend with. Of course, we had my parents there and my brother and his wife nearby, so we weren’t starting totally from scratch, but this time it was more difficult to get to know people amidst all of the social restrictions and changed etiquette. We attended small group, joined Mainly Music, went to playcentre and invited people for dinner and board games. For all of this, we only seemed to really connect with people our own age and stage. Eventually, we decided on a targeted approach and asked a couple from our church, who were a little older than us and whom we admired, if they would regularly spend time with our family and mentor us.
Just as we began to establish this very intentional relationship, we (unexpectedly) moved again!
We immediately sought to build a village of support around us. We joined a church, attended small group, went to playgroup and bible study and invited people to our house. We have some beautiful friendships and Dan’s family are a wonderful support, but we are yet to build those intergenerational friendships that have so blessed us in the past.
If you thought I had the answers, please know that I am on this journey with you, my friend.
I don’t know why it seems so difficult now. Perhaps it is more difficult in this stage of life with young children. Perhaps New Zealand culture does not lend itself to intergenerational friendships in the same way Scottish culture does. Maybe the pandemic changed etiquette so that we are less comfortable with older people. Whatever it is, my husband and I both miss the richness that came from these blessed friendships, and we are, again, learning to build them.
Do you have rich intergenerational friendships? Do you think culture plays a role in this? I would love to hear from you.
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